A Word About Estate Agents

Have spent the entire afternoon looking for a house/flat in Walthomstow (because it’s cheap but on the tube). Amusingly, all the estate agents seem to be on one small stretch of road. Having had appointments with four of them this afternoon, I feel I can make some sweeping generalisations:

• All estate agents, without exception, dress in pinstripe suits with pointy black shoes in a failed attempt to look fashionable, smart and powerful.

• All estate agents drive. Everywhere. One even said “I live near the North Circular, which is perfect for me coz I love driving. I can drive anywhere.” They’ll spend more time sitting in traffic and 19-point-turning into a tight parking space than if they’d walked.

• All estate agents have ‘posh’ cars. One had a BMW. Another had a convertable, and lowered the roof. They all have black leather seats and big engines that accelerate so fast you have to brace yourself. Plus estate agents are terrible drivers, cutting across traffic, and talking on their mobile phones, meaning you have to buckle up, sit back, and hope for the best.

• All estate agents are boring people, and have nothing to talk about. To fill up the time, they’ll ask you meaningless questions about all the places you’ve ever lived and worked at, what you’ve studied, where you’re planning on going on holiday. It’s worse than the hairdressers. And no matter what type of work you do for a living, they’ll know a friend who does work in a vaguely similar, but mostly wholely unrelated field.

• All estate agents never listen to what you say about the kind of home you’re looking for. They’ll show you flats that are over your stated budget, further away from the station than you asked for and above commercial premises when you specified a residential street. They may even convince you that a loung/reception room/cupboard could double as one of your bedrooms.

As you can tell, I didn’t have a very productive afternoon. Tomorrow, I’m looking around Dulwich…